You're such a worthless loser, you can't even masturbate like a normal guy. You don't jerk off - you hump your mattress or a pillow like a complete weirdo. Not only do you look completely ridiculous and pathetic while you're grinding your dick into your bed, you've ruined your dick in the process! All of these years of pillow humping took their toll and now your boner is weak, soft and useless. You couldn't fuck a real woman if you tried!

It's probably for the best - no woman wants a loser like you anyway. Go ahead and fuck your pillow girlfriend like a dirty loser freak. There's no hope for you now, you'll be a pillow humper forever!

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